I am having an “Eat. Pray. Love” crisis. I am referring to the first quarter of the film where the problem is introduced. Not so much the rest of it. But with this particular moment…this is what happened to me today on my plane ride to Florida. Yes! Men go through this too.
Have you ever experienced a sense of inner distress without an answer to why you have it? It is from a visceral part of yourself that cannot be reached or satisfied by anything this world could afford as a remedy. It is a problem only God can solve. You feel it from skin to soul, and yet cannot for the life of you determine what caused it, or from where it began. Okay. Maybe not for you. Perhaps, you have never experienced this. But as for me, as soon as I got my bags in the car at the Fort Lauderdale International Airport I immediately felt so terribly bad and lost. Flying back to South Florida for short-term leave pass has not been as comforting as I had thought it would be.
Maybe God is trying to ask me, “David, are you sure that you want this change?” My answer is yes. Take me somewhere new to start anew. I do not want to run from my past, but I want to let it all go, heal and move on elsewhere.
Later today on a complete move of sudden strong impression, I paid a surprise visit to my place of work, where I teach. The welcome was warm from my peers–the first grade team–yet, I felt so distant within. I had an overwhelming sense that my time is ending. I could be wrong. I must grant this. However, this was not the first time that this notion came over me. It has been happening for months.
It is my belief that after whatever amount of time I spend on active duty for the next year, I will not be coming back to what I have known.
I want a divorce from Florida. My use of the term “Florida” is really an all-encompassing way for me refer to all the history I have here. I do not want to walk into my history anymore.
I feel like a stranger as I also feel like I am living in a distant memory. A door is closing. It was closing before I left. And now, returning to South Florida reminded me right away of a faint thought that I dismissed as impossible about a month ago: South Florida will no longer be my home. When I think back to conversations I have had with many different friends and even acquaintances, I have complained that I feel like a total stranger to this place I have called my home for approximately 26 years.
As crazy as this may sound, I already feel prepared to go back to my active duty post. I want to check in for my flight now. Today I told my friend Reuben that I am glad that I am here for only a short time because I need to remain in the state of mind that I have adapted to since having left for army duty and mobilization training.
Hm. I think that I have answered the question as to what is the source of my inner distress. A new beginning requires that everything be shaken.
God is shaking up my life. I believe the Lord is answering my prayer that came in the form of tears that suddenly rolled down my face on the plane this morning.
This has not exactly been a painless process. But now that I think I know what is happening, and whom is doing the shaking, then I can and will persevere.
I will do whatever it takes God. Just tell me what to do and I will do it.
Whatever I will have become and wherever I end up starting a life all my own by the end of 2015 is unknown. But I have hope. I have hope that I will start afresh somewhere new, good and filled with healthy challenge for my growth in all aspects.
P. S. On a bright note, my dog Coby did not forget who I was, but gave me a big doggie version of a hug. I cried.
Going to bed.