Vision

In speaking with my cousin tonight, she set me right by suggesting that I make a vision board.  I think that it’s an excellent idea!  I will start working on it tomorrow afternoon, as a matter of fact. It also just so happens that Dana set me right as well.  She prayed vision for me.  And yesterday a battle buddy set me right by telling me to pray about my circumstances.  Just pray. All three of these wonderful woman gave revelation to me that bespeaks the instructive and inspirational words that I have made a prayer over the course of these past few months.

God I look to you

I won’t be overwhelmed

Give me vision, to see things like you do

God I look to you

You’re where my help comes from

Give me wisdom

You know just what to do

Often, I will use songs that resonate with my life and circumstances as I grow and change.  I will often use songs as prayers because they help me commune with Jesus on a matter by which I remain befuddled or lost. Tonight, I need him.  Tomorrow I need him.  And always, I need him. Nothing should be holding me back from coming to him. God I look to you.  Amen.

NYC, Again

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I am having a delicious lunch at a restaurant called Barking Dog. It was inexpensive and did not disappoint the tongue. There was a lot of excitement and energy in the air, to the point that I couldn’t help but smile at everyone I met.

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The place was packed tight with chatting lively people, and surprisingly not too many of them were glued to their mobile devices. For a place as busy as New York City, it was an eye-popping welcome surprise. The waitress was very nice and judging by her accent (European, I think), not American-born–which is good and cool. I ordered a roast turkey sandwich with apple slices, cranberry mayo, lettuce, and tomato. It came with a side of coleslaw and french fries. I ravaged my meal because I had only eaten snack foods since having caught my shuttle to the airport in Florida.

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Honestly, I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of this city…in a good way. I don’t know where to begin.

So I’ve taken a seat at Starbucks to warm up, charge my phone and gather a plan.

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Let’s see…I have until 7:00pm at the latest to roam this city to see only a few places, if I can remember them. What can I say, other than that I’m grateful to be here, even for a while.

Starbucks. (check)
NYC Fifth Avenue Apple Store.
Times Square
Old Navy to get a scarf since I left my scarf at home.

What else should I do? Or maybe that is enough since this trip is wholly impromptu.

I thought about seeing Interstellar. But I can’t help but feel it would be a waste of opportunity when I can be outside in the city.

Okay…wait I’m actually wasting time now while sitting here pondering in my pondering.

Okay! I gotta go soak in this awesomeness before I have to step back into my Army uniform tomorrow morning.

I want a divorce

I am having an “Eat. Pray. Love” crisis.  I am referring to the first quarter of the film where the problem is introduced.  Not so much the rest of it.  But with this particular moment…this is what happened to me today on my plane ride to Florida. Yes!  Men go through this too.

Have you ever experienced a sense of inner distress without an answer to why you have it?  It is from a visceral part of yourself that cannot be reached or satisfied by anything this world could afford as a remedy.  It is a problem only God can solve. You feel it from skin to soul, and yet cannot for the life of you determine what caused it, or from where it began.  Okay.  Maybe not for you.  Perhaps, you have never experienced this.  But as for me, as soon as I got my bags in the car at the Fort Lauderdale International Airport I immediately felt so terribly bad and lost.  Flying back to South Florida for short-term leave pass has not been as comforting as I had thought it would be.

Maybe God is trying to ask me, “David, are you sure that you want this change?”  My answer is yes.  Take me somewhere new to start anew.  I do not want to run from my past, but I want to let it all go, heal and move on elsewhere.

Later today on a complete move of sudden strong impression, I paid a surprise visit to my place of work, where I teach.  The welcome was warm from my peers–the first grade team–yet, I felt so distant within.  I had an overwhelming sense that my time is ending.  I could be wrong.  I must grant this.  However, this was not the first time that this notion came over me.  It has been  happening for months.

It is my belief that after whatever amount of time I spend on active duty for the next year, I will not be coming back to what I have known.

I want a divorce from Florida.  My use of the term “Florida” is really an all-encompassing way for me refer to all the history I have here.  I do not want to walk into my history anymore.

I feel like a stranger as I also feel like I am living in a distant memory.  A door is closing.  It was closing before I left.  And now, returning to South Florida reminded me right away of a faint thought that I dismissed as impossible about a month ago:  South Florida will no longer be my home.  When I think back to conversations I have had with many different friends and even acquaintances, I have complained that I feel like a total stranger to this place I have called my home for approximately 26 years.

As crazy as this may sound, I already feel prepared to go back to my active duty post.  I want to check in for my flight now.  Today I told my friend Reuben that I am glad that I am here for only a short time because I need to remain in the state of mind that I have adapted to since having left for army duty and mobilization training.

Hm.  I think that I have answered the question as to what is the source of my inner distress.  A new beginning requires that everything be shaken.

God is shaking up my life.  I believe the Lord is answering my prayer that came in the form of tears that suddenly rolled down my face on the plane this morning.

This has not exactly been a painless process.  But now that I think I know what is happening, and whom is doing the shaking, then I can and will persevere.

I will do whatever it takes God.  Just tell me what to do and I will do it.

Whatever I will have become and wherever I end up starting a life all my own by the end of 2015 is unknown.  But I have hope.  I have hope that I will start afresh somewhere new, good and filled with healthy challenge for my growth in all aspects.

Amen.

P. S.  On a bright note, my dog Coby did not forget who I was, but gave me a big doggie version of a hug.  I cried.

Going to bed.

JFK to Sunrise

I’m sitting at the JFK airport awaiting my flight to America’s southern-most land of the warm sun, South Florida.

Since I am on a short-term vacation before I deploy, I am treating myself. And why not start with a delicious meal at Dueamici in the Delta Airlines terminal. This is what I had for breakfast today. Photos aren’t great but I spruced them up as best I could.

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